


The painter & the portrait

by Meldanca



Category: A3! (Anime), A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Heartbreak, M/M, Male Friendship, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Or?, Settsu Banri in Denial, Unrequited Love, angsty, heartbroken juza, painter Juza, painter au, sad juza
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28857786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meldanca/pseuds/Meldanca
Summary: He picks up a brush and paints the man he could never make his.Again and again and again.The only thing Juza wants is for Banri to come back.or: the painter Au I wanted to write about
Relationships: Hyoudou Juuza/Settsu Banri
Comments: 15
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

It starts with colors on the table, which Juza carefully mixes on to his palette, until he is satisfied with the outcome: a milky flesh colored tone. Then he picks up a brush, taking the palette into his hand and turning to his already prepared canvas. He applied some gesso beforehand, so that the acrylics would blend smoothly.

Now, some painters would start with a rough sketch. They would carefully pick up a tiny amount of black on a small or big brush, depending on the size of the motive, and they would start sketching the outlines of their painting.

But this isn't the first time Juza paints the familiar face on a canvas, in fact, Juza isn't even able to tell how many times he had painted this remarkable face. Maybe fifty?Two-hundred even? Well, it doesn't matter anyway. Juza simply paints this portrait over and over again. His brush dances elegantly above the canvas. One small stroke here, and a bigger one there. His hands are moving on their own, as if he is on autopilot. He mixes another color, which is complementary to the previous one, and carefully makes strokes with his brush. Sometimes he switches to palette knives, sometimes he doesn't.

Each time Juza paints him, the outcome is a completely different one. Depending on his mood, the results may vary. If he's angry, he will use a lot more vibrant colors and a lot of red undertones. The strokes will seem big, fat, unfinished and out of place. The portrait would end up with the remarkable face, but crossed out, as if Juza would like to erase the man out of his mind.

If he's sad, he will use a lot of cold colors, and a lot of blue undertones. The strokes will seem hesitant, anxious and half heartedly slapped on to the canvas. The portrait would end up with a melancholic look, as if Juza just reexperienced the heartbreak over and over again.

And if he's happy? Juza doesn't paint him when he's happy. He doesn't even like to think of the man he once knew, when he's happy. Being happy for Juza is very rare, if he ends up painting him again, he'll start feeling worse.

To avoid thinking about him when Juza is in a good mood, he places each portrait outside of his little studio, which is connected to his apartment. He doesn't care if some people grab the paintings, toss them in the trash or if the weather destroyed them. He can't keep the paintings in his flat, somehow he needs to get rid of all of them.

Pathetic, isn't it? He keeps painting the man, who broke his heart as a form of therapy, but once the painting is finished, Juza has to get rid of it immediately, before he starts crying, before he relives the miserable heartbreak.

It's been over three years now. Juza still can't let him go. He never can, Juza realized that since the beautiful man has entered his life, Juza was doomed to stay helplessly in love with someone he couldn't have.

»I- Banri-«

»Don't say it. Please just don't.«

»I love you.«

Three years ago, Juza confessed his love to Settsu Banri, a man he had been friends with since highschool. A man, he fell in love with the very first moment he has seen him. Sadly, a man he could never make his, would never be his, although Juza had been extremely close.

They started out as mere friends: Juza, the lone wolf, who scared anyone away with his deep scowl on his face and Banri, the beautiful asshole, who nobody wanted to talk to because of his arrogant attitude. They were the perfect match. Two young boys, dying to have someone they could trust. It had been weird at first, having a friend. Juza never had someone to approach him, yet alone talk to him without being scared. They were passing their time together during school breaks at first. Banri would tease Juza for snacking on sweets, despite sneaking in one or two for himself. Juza glowered at him with narrowed eyes, but shrugged his shoulders. He didn't mind sharing. School wasn't as exhausting anymore, since Juza had someone who could fill the long time between the breaks. It was nice.

Then they started hanging out after school to study. But who were they kidding? They never studied together, ever. They played video games, ranted, laughed and teased one another. They were friends. For the very first time, Juza had a friend. Playing games until night turned into sleep overs. Snacking on sweets turned into backing. On the weekends Juza would buy Banri lunch, california rolls, his favorite, and Banri would treat him to dessert. Juza was happy to have someone by his side. Although, he couldn't ignore how his heart began to flutter each time he'd meet up with Banri. His eyes were lingering longer on Banri's face. His gaze softened around Banri and a small smile on his lips came up more frequently.

But things shouldn't stay that way. Banri had the reputation of a fuckboy. Sleeping with cute boys and poor girls he didn't know, nor didn't care to get to know. Now, he wouldn't ever dare to lay a finger on someone he knew, except for Juza.

Juza still doesn't know what triggered the boy to turn to him. The next thing he knew was that they were drunk, one thing lead to another and they found themselves naked together in a bed.

From there on they were friends with benefits. Juza was the only expection Banri has ever made. Naturally, he thought, Banri would also make an exception when he would confess.

Oh, how utterly wrong he was.

»No strings attached. No feelings.«

»What?«

»That was our rule. You broke it. I can't continue this.«

And just like that, Banri vanished.

He transferred to another college. He moved away. Banri blocked him on every single social media platform one might know. He changed his number. Blocked Juza's number. He left.

Basically, Banri erased himself out of Juza's life, as if he never existed. As if the thing they had never happened.

That's when Juza started to paint Banri.

Again and again and again.

It started to become a routine: when Juza felt sad, upset, depressed, angry or frustrated, he would pick up a brush and painted the man he could never make his, never would be his, but he had been extremely close.

After that, he would dump the paintings away, out of his tiny studio, out of his empty flat, out of his life.

Only to repeat the process.

It didn't take long until the media covered him as a mainstream subject.

Juza was the weird artist who would only paint the same man, over and over again.

Soon enough journalists were raiding his studio, curiously asking questions, eagerly snapping pictures, rapidly writing things down on their stupid blogs, even though Juza stayed silent.

He didn't care. Journalists would keep coming, his mouth would stay shut. The media would speculate about his motive to paint Banri, he never reacted.

The only thing Juza wanted was for Banri to come back.

Even if it was only for a split second.

He wanted Banri to release him from his misery he had been trapped in for the past three years.

He wanted Banri to make the yearning, the pining, the pain and the miserable heartbreak to stop.

He wanted it to stop.

Even if it was only for a split second.

Until that day.

It starts with colors on the table, which Juza carefully mixes onto his palette, until he is satisfied with the outcome: a milky flesh colored tone. Then he picks up a brush, taking the palette into his hand and turning to his already prepared canvas. He applied some gesso beforehand, so that the acrylics would blend smoothly.

It's a normal day. Average, honestly.

He wakes up, feels sad and picks up a brush.

Juza is in the middle of the painting, when the golden bell, which is attached to the entrance door of his studio, rings. He ignores it, not thinking too much of it. It would only be a stupid journalist, hoping that he would be the one who Juza would open up to. Expect it isn't.

"Hyodo?"

He knows this voice far too well. He spent way too many nights listening to Banri's voice, for him to not recognize it.

It's him. It's him.

"Is that you? Hyodo Juza?"

It's Banri.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!  
> I'm sorry it took so long to write another chapter :')  
> I hope you like this one! 
> 
> also I'm very thankful to the kind comments on my story, they really made my day c:

Highschool

If one were to ask Juza what he remembers from highschool, his answer would be art class.

Kind of cliche to hear from someone who is a painter.

But it's not only about the art classes, the smell of acrylics and oil paintings, the canvases assigned on each student's place.

It's not only about the teacher who taught him how to paint in certain styles, differentl landscapes, fruits or techniques.

It's not only that art classes were his great escape from school, when he could ignore for two long hours that he was an outsider, someone who had no friends, despite making a great effort on being friendly to the other kids in class.

Art classes is how he met Settsu Banri.

It had been the first schoolday, a school where Juza thought he could turn his life around and make friends, since he hadn't had a real friendship since kindergarten.

Juza had always been someone who got shut out from the other kids, since he was too scary looking, too serious. When he would try to seem more kind and approachable, he would faintly smile at the other students, only to get weird looks back, since his smile was too frightening.

He couldn't talk to the others, since they would jump whenever he tried to make smalltalk, students whispering to each other, if Juza wanted to threaten them.

It had been the first day and people were already avoiding Juza, just like in kindergarten or elementary school. Juza should've been accustomed to it, he had always been the black sheep in schools even though he hadn't done anything wrong. It should've been normal, a routine, honestly. But it still stung being avoided or ignored by the others. It still hurt to see people carefully eyeing him, or girls ducking their small heads when they would cross his path, or boys making a long bee line around him. He should've been used to it, should've been relieved that the others were avoiding him, instead of confronting or provoking him. He should've been glad to be the loner once again, blending into the background of the school, because that's what he's best at. He should've been prepared, but instead, Juza could feel his heart aching at the sight of two boys who would make jokes together, laugh together and tease each other. He also wanted something like that. Juza also wanted someone he could talk to about the most random things without feeling judged, or making jokes without making others uncomfortable. Juza wanted to have a friend he could go out with, tell him his deepest secrets, eat with, play video games with until the sun would rise again before their heads would even hit the mattress of the bed.

It was the first schoolday.

Juza was relieved that his art classes had separate seats from each student, since he didn't want to deal with a nerve wrecking kid sitting next to him, nervously eyeing him whenever Juza would pick up his pen to write, as if the other was expecting him to pull out a gun and shoot him in the face without hesitation.

The smell of acrylics and oil paintings calmed his nerves. Juza was glad that he got a seat right next to the window, since he could stare out of it and look at the small garden of the school, beautifully blooming with flowers and roses, and a small vegetable house. Sometimes girls from the gardening club could be seen, how they would take care of the plants, watering them, planting new ones or picking up ripe vegetables. They seemed to enjoy what they were doing, whenever they would happily jump around the garden, even though their shoes would get dirty and their uniforms would get stained. The girls never seemed to care.

"D'ya like staring shamelessly at girls?"

Juza quickly turned his head the other way, to see if someone was talking to him or if it's just a misunderstanding. It had happened countless times to him already, that students were talking to their friends, for example if they liked the book they're reading, when Juza was reading at the same time. Or if they needed a hand with cleaning, when Juza was sweeping the floor from dust and paper pieces. It had happen so often, that Juza figured, this would just be another silly misunderstanding from his side. It would be someone who would tease their friend about staring at the cute girls who were bending down to plant the seeds, despite wearing ridiculously short skirts.

But when he turned to look if this was just a dumb mistake, a mere misunderstanding which happened quite often to him, Juza's golden eyes snapped open at the sight of a boy, who had a sloppy grin on his face.

This was the first time Juza had seen him.

Banri Settsu.

A tall, skinny boy with long and dark blonde hair, whose hair strands swung elegantly above his shoulders. His eyes were piercing blue, as if Juza was staring straight into the ocean, pleasantly drowning in them, even though he didn't anticipate to dive into deep water. His lips were so rosy and plump, shamelessly stretching into a lopsided grin. One eyebrow was raised, while the other stayed rested above his eyes.

"What?"

He had been caught off guard, blinking twice to see if this boy was really talking to him. His gaze followed the boy's eyes, as they were also staring out of the window, amusingly looking at the cute girls, who were currently planting new seeds, while one was filling up another watering can to the rim, struggling to hold the green colored can as the weight increased after pouring water into it.

"Ya were practically drooling at the sight. Just wanted to tease ya."

"I wasn't- I-"

"Sure, sure. Make excuses for yourself", the other boy waved him off, still wearing the stupid, knowing grin on his face, while he took the seat near Juza, which was only a mere meter away.

Juza didn't know if he should be surprised, mortified or happy that someone was talking to him, despite indirectly calling him a panty chaser. Well, not a panty chaser in its original meaning, more like a distanced and observing panty chaser, but even that was not remotely true. He was just silently looking out of the window, observing the pretty view of the garden with colorful plants and growing vegetables, wondering that if he were to paint it, what colors would he use, which utensils, a small canvas or a big one? He didn't particularly pay the girls too much attention, but it was nice seeing them so cheerful even though the hard work they would do around the garden would be straining for their fragile bodies. But Juza didn't know how to react towards the sly comment, so he just remained silent, watching the other boy teasingly raising an eyebrow at him, as if he was waiting for Juza to say something. He didn't, and the rest of the art class remained without the strange boy poking fun of him, despite the many glances Juza stole from him.

***

The next art class goes the exact same way.

Juza takes his seat next to the window and stares out of it, longingly looking at the well arranged garden, although the gardening girls weren't around, making themselves dirty with hard work, or struggling to carry the green watering can, one might be afraid that their tiny arms might snap under the weight. Neither could they be seen plucking off the ripe vegetables, which were only waiting for someone to pick them up as the small tomatoes turned brightly red.

It was heavily pouring outside, which may be the reason why the gardening clubmembers could nowhere be seen. The many raindroplets were crashing against the window. Juza was silently watching two drops racing against each other, to see which one would end up to be the first to run down to the rim of the big window. It turned out that neither of them would be the winner, since they ran into each other, melting into a big droplet, despite Juza cheering on the right raindrop. He had been so intrigued on watching the silly race of the droplets, that he didn't see the strange boy taking his usual seat, which was only a mere meter away from him.

"Ya sad the girls aren't out, playing in the mud?"

Once again, Juza slowly turned his head to the boy, whose eyes reminded Juza of the many raindrops shattering against the window, until they melt into one big droplet. The boy was shooting him his regular eating shit grin, while a small dimple would form on his left cheek.

His gaze was glued to the window, but his raised eyebrow suggested Juza to say something to the strange boy.

"What?"

The piercing blue eyes traveled back to Juza, as the sloppy grin on his face was widening. He seemed to enjoy perplexing Juza with his shameless comments, despite that Juza would only say the same thing over again, being too suprised to say anything. Besides, the boy's features were distracting him with the sharp jawline, the droplet colored eyes, the lopsided grin forming on his face. His face looked like it was cut out of a classic portrait from a known painter, too perfect to actually exist and yet, the face was right there, only a mere meter away from Juza to stare at it.

"Is that the only thing you can say?"

Juza was still staring at him, like he was an extraordinary art piece in a museum, only displayed for the sole purpose for Juza to examine every inch of his impeccable face. His gaze wandered to the sparkling, silver jewelry which was decorating the boy's ear. He hadn't been able to observe the many piercings, since he had been busy admiring his face. Only one ear could be seen, since the other ear was covered by his long hair, maybe hiding many more piercings.

"Now ya staring at me, since the girls aren't there? You're really something", the boy grinned, turning to the side in the wooden stool to face Juza.

Juza really wasn't sure if being accused of being a perverted teen, stealing glances at short skirts and pretty boys' faces was worth the short conversation between a student. Nobody every approached Juza, nor dared to speak to him. Usually his classmates would tremble with fear, each time one gets assigned a seat next to Juza. They would nervously fidget in their seat, avoiding to make as little eye contact as possible and to never touch Juza, as if it would provoke him to throw some fists. And now, this pretty boy is sitting a mere meter away from him, poking shamelessly fun at him for his own disturbing entertainment.

"Go ahead. Keep staring", the boy flashed his usually shit eating grin, which would reek of self confidence.

This was definitely not what Juza imagined how his smalltalk with other students would go.

***

Soon, Juza learned, that the weird boy's name was Settsu Banri and despite his face which resembles a real piece of art, his personality wasn't as impeccable as his perfect looks.

Banri Settsu was a moody boy with a sharpe tongue, whose comments weren't only ill mannered and sarcastic, but also very hurtful. He would provoke other classmates just for pure fun, since it seemed more thrilling to fight with others during the monotonous classes. He apparently adored to tease Juza since it always left him dumbfounded, him not being able to process whatever comment the boy threw into his direction. He was getting away with almost everything. Not only did he claim the pretty privilege to disturb girls with his flirty comments, and boys with his provocative manner, no, Banri was also an excellent student. That's why most of the teachers didn't bother to call him out on his missing days, which were all carefully written into the abscence book, in which Banri took up half of space in mere two months. Weirdly enough, Banri never missed a single art class, despite of having a reputation of a truant.

Juza was quietly observing him during the class, watching him making a rough sketch of his landscape, looking if his composition seemed exciting. Juza was stealing glances at his palette, to see what colors he would use, if he would choose complimentary pairs of colors to make the painting stand more out, or if he used a certain technique which Juza didn't already know about.

To his disappointment, Banri's paintings were average. Nor good, nor bad. The composition of his paintings would be fine, but bland and very boring. He would paint easy motives, nothing extraordinary, nor thrilling. His lines were wonky and messy, one could see with a single look that he was lacking the passion for art, despite his talent of analyzing difficult paintings.

"Starin' at my art piece? I know, I'm good. Ya don't have to bore holes into the poor painting", Banri dripped with self confidence, flashing his stupid grin, which stretched from one ear to another.

"Your line work is horrendous."

Banri blinked in suprise, not expecting Juza to react to his arrogant comment, since he had always just stared at Banri with a perplexed expression on his face, not exactly sure of what to say, nor how to act. On the other hand, Juza was also very shocked that he said that out loud. He had meant to only think that Banri's paintings were merely fine. He wasn't actually planning on speaking his mind to Banri, who seemed to be gifted with the most sharpest tongue on earth. Juza was anticipating to apologize, before the other would snarl curses at him, but the boy seemed to be just very amused by Juza's little outburst, since he was laughing at him. It wasn't the sloppy grin, the lopsided or mocking one. This one was a genuine laugh, which made both of his dimples visible.

"It's your first time actually talking to me and you say that? You're a real piece of work."

"I was just stating what I saw."

Banri raised one eyebrow at him, as the joyful sound of his laughter faded away and was replaced by his original grin.

"Then let's take a look at your painting, if mine is so horrendous."

He quickly walked up to Juza's large canvas with big steps and crossed his arms as he stood behind Juza, who was sitting on the uncomfortable stool. He looked at it critically, as his stern gaze warned around the painting which Juza made.

It was a simple landscape, as it was their subject at to moment in class. Juza didn't particularly enjoy making landscapes that much, since he couldn't paint them how he wanted to, because his teacher would disapprove of his choice in colors. He liked to paint things in a color which resembled his emotions when he looks at the landscape, despite the requirement of painting a realistic landscape and not one with yellow mountains and blue grass. He still painted it everytime in unrealistic colors, matching the tones with complimentary ones and playing with his brushwork, despite the unfair decrease of his grades.

"..it's fine, I guess", Banri claimed, still having his long arms crossed in front of his chest, as his eyes were glued to the landscape.

"You like painting, huh?"

"Yeah."

Juza also looked at his painting of two pairs of red mountains which were separated by a green river. Their shapes were loosely painted, so that it looked more abstract than realistic. Juza just didn't like keeping an exact outline of every motive, because then the landscape would turn out to look very strict and too organized. Nature wasn't strict, nor very organized. It was free, beautiful and full of suprises, which Juza liked to paint into landscapes, which would otherwise look very boring without the loose brushwork, or the choice of harmonizing colors.

"Next time, 'm creating a masterpiece so that it will outshine your garbage", Banri challenges him, although his gaze was still locked to his painting, admiring Juza's composition and choice of color.

"Sure, I'll wait."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello there!  
> i had a lot of trouble going through a writer block lord  
> BUT i managed to pull through  
> (yes, this is a short chapter, im sorry, the present chapters will be a bit shorter than the ones in past tense)

Present

One stroke, two, maybe even three.

Because one isn't enough and the two seem not to harmonize together well, but the third stroke?

Not even the third stroke satisfies Juza.

Of course it doesn't.

It doesn't, because one stroke is just a stroke. The second one is just the same, maybe it looks more crooked, maybe it's more wavy. But still, it's only a stroke. The third wouldn't change the fact, that strokes will remain strokes.

No matter how many paintings he makes. No matter what color he uses, or brushes, not even pallette knives.

Strokes remain strokes.

A canvas will still be a canvas.

No matter how often Juza will stand in front of the portrait, looking at the realistic painting, wishing and hoping and praying, it will not turn into the man who is pictured onto the canvas.

Sure, the strokes are carefully placed next to each other, so that they melt into a fine motive.

Some colors go under, some battle for dominance, but they harmonize so well together, that one might mistake the portrait for a real person.

Juza wishes that instead of looking at the painting, he could actually lock eyes with the pictured man, with Banri, the man he loves and adores.

Until he does.

"Hyodo?"

Juza almost drops his brush when he hears the familiar man's voice.

»It's him.«

»It's Banri.«

»It's him«, his heart flutters.

”Is that you? Juza Hyodo?", the voice calls him out again, while Juza hears him stepping towards the right little corner in the back of the studio, where Juza is painting.

His heart races, his fingers shake, his skin is sweating, despite repeating the phrase "calm down, calm down" in his head like a mantra, or a prayer, like he is a worshipper waiting for the gods to hear his pleas, but they coldly ignore him.

"Juza."

He dumps the brush into a pool of water in a glass, swirling it around until the colors on the bristles fade and the water turns purple.

He wished, he hoped and prayed many times for his portraits to come alive. He wished to lock eyes with the real Banri, hoped to be once able to hear him again, prayed to touch him, just one last time.

Juza had spent uncountable times standing in this little studio, arranging his brushes and pallette knives, picking out his color pallette. He always placed a fresh glass of water next to his canvas, so that the paint wouldn't dry on the bristles of his brushes. He had forgot to do it once and ended up throwing away more than just five brushes, despite his heart aching as the brushes fell into the trash can. Since then he always carefully places a glass of water at arm reach, so that he wouldn't ever forget to wash his brushes again.

Juza had prepared canvases by applying gesso onto them, he carefully picked up the desired tone of color with his brush, made many and many strokes, waited for the paint to dry-

He could ramble on about it for hours.

But that doesn't change the fact that today, Settsu Banri is present in his studio.

The actual, living and breathing Banri.

Not some painted man. Not some strokes on a canvas. Not a fucking portrait.

And yet, all that Juza is able to do is to stupidly swirl a brush around a glass full of water, even though the color already is off of the bristles.

The footsteps have come to a halt and Juza knows that Banri is probably standing only mere inches away from him.

Fuck-

He swirls the brush around and around.

Quicker, faster, so that a small, purple tsunami builds up in the poor glass.

Purple. Purple combines the calm stability of blue and the fierce energy of red.

Two polar opposites, different energies clashing together.

Take too much purple and it brings out the feelings of irritability, impatience and arrogance.

Take too little purple and it brings out the emotions of powerlessness, negativity, and apathy.

Purple is mixed with blue and red. A cool tone and a warm one. Its meaning can change rather quickly because of this.

On one side of the coin, it can bring out the imagination and creativity, on the flip side, when painting too much with purple,it can cause moodiness.

Different shades, tints, and hues of purple have different meanings. Light purple represents romantic and nostalgic feelings. Dark purple tones bring out feelings of gloom, sadness, and frustration.

Purple is associated with an escape from reality or devotion.

Is this a light hue or a dark one?

Is it lavender colored or plump colored?

Juza keeps swirling the brush around.

"Uh, Hyodo?"

Fuck.

Juza takes in a shaky breath, although he's not sure he's ready to turn around and face the man who he keeps hopelessly pining for.

He knows that any sane person would probably be outraged and angry, shouting and screaming what the hell Banri is doing and who he thinks he is to come and leave as he likes.

Juza should be complaining that Banri chose to show up now, after many years of Juza feeling confused, hurt and lost.

He should ask why now and not then. Scream what took him so long. Shout if he would've come if it weren't for the paintings.

And on one hand, Juza is angry that Banri chose to show up now.

On the other hand, Juza can only hear his heart racing against his chest.

He lets go of the brush, while the water keeps moving and swirling into one direction, keeping the little, purple tsunami alive. Juza stares at the water and looks how it turns and twirls and swirls.

With each swirl the hue of the color intensifies.

At first peaks of fierce red dominate the color of purple, making it a light lavender tone. A light purple.

But as the water moves and turns, the peaks of fierce red drown into a sea of dark blue. The fierce energy is going under, while the cool tone takes the throne, making it plump colored. A dark purple.

Going from nostalgia and romance to full on sadness and frustration.

Of course it does.

He keeps being thrown back in time to highschool.

He comes back to the present.

Then again going back in time to college.

Than coming back.

Until he falls back for the last time to relive all the pain and endless sorrow which Banri caused, by letting Juza trust him, leaning all his weight on Banri, giving Banri his whole heart without blinking twice.

And then? Banri squashes Juza's heart in his bare hand, pressing and squeezing it until it stops beating.

It hurts then.

And it hurts more even now.

"Why are you here?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings ⚠️   
> This chapter contains swearing, implied sexual content and mentions of alcohol

From strangers

to friends

to drunken fools

"C'mon, art boy!", Banri shouted at him to catch up, waving with a cheap bottle of vodka in his right hand, stumbling through streets and short cuts. Juza was suprised that he managed to speak without slurring his words too much, despite having drunken a big amount of vodka, which tasted like gasoline.

"Were are we going?", Juza screamed, because apparently drunk Banri moved faster and quicker than sober Banri. He hoped that Banri was still able to hear him, despite being occupied with walking up some stairs while his legs didn't seem to cooperate with the given task.

"Hurry up, art boy!", is all which Juza got as a response to his question, as Banri struggled to walk the stairs up, his hand pressing against the rail for support.

He sighed.

How did they end up like this?

They went from brawling during art lessons, to fighting over whose painting was the better one, only for the teacher to interrupt them and scold them.

From secretly sneaking onto the rooftop to spend their breaks teasing each other, to Banri buying him cheap chocolate milk from the vending machine and Juza treating him to california rolls from the supermarket across the street from school.

From getting caught hiding on the rooftop, to ending up getting detention together for three long hours, in which they spend ranting about the most random things, instead of doing the work the teachers gave them. 

But when did brawling during art class and fighting over paintings turn into sneaking onto the rooftop to spend time during the breaks together?

When did Banri go from teasing him all the time to get a reaction out of him go to treating him to his favorite chocolate milk, despite it being too cheap to actually taste good?

When did they turn from strangers to friends?

"Art boy, c'mon", he again waved, gesturing to Juza to hurry up while he was way behind him.

Honestly, Juza didn't know when they went from strangers to friends.

He remembered hating high school.

He hated the noise, loud screaming and greetings.

He hated the cheap chocolate milk from the vending machine, because it tasted like it had been expired two decades ago. But even so, Juza still bought it every lunch break, sitting on the rooftop and sipping the liquid mold away.

He hated going to cram school because of his stupid, low score on exams. There he would sit in between a girl, whose name he didn't know and a guy whose face looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep in nearly his whole school life. He hated being squished between those two, because everytime he would ask a question, the girl would avoid his gaze and would start nervously clicking her pink pen, while the guy would flinch at the sound of his voice.

He hated it all, suffering through the long lessons and school breaks or trips in which he wouldn't participate in, because why would he if he didn't have any friends to begin with?

He despised it, until he met Banri in art class.

Suddenly, he didn't hate highschool that much anymore. He didn't mind the school breaks, lunch, cram school and assignments in groups. He didn't mind the boys, toying around in the hallway, running around although it was prohibited and butting their heads on accident until one of them had to be taken to the school nurse, because once again, one of them ended up with a concussion, laying still on the floor. He didn't mind the girls who would laugh at that sight, until one of them would rush to the boy on the floor, nearly crying, because "Yuna! My crush is dead", although he was far from being dead.

He started to get used to the noise, loud screaming and greetings.

He started to love the cheap chocolate milk from the vending machine, because somehow it tasted so much better when Banri treated him to one.

He started to love cram school because Banri would end up tagging along, although his grades were far from needing to attend it, sitting next to Juza, between him and the weird girl, who would occasionally glance over to Banri, although he didn't give her any of his attention, since it was all reserved for Juza.

He began to adore it, because he didn't have to suffer through the long lessons and school breaks anymore since the time went on to quickly with Banri by his side. Juza started participating in school trips, because what could beat a 24 hour long trip with Banri sitting beside him on the bus?

He started to love it, since he met Banri in art class.

He adored sneaking a glance of Banri's side profile, when he would concentrate on painting. His brows would furrow, creating small wrinkles on the top of his forehead. He would slightly stick up his tongue on the side of the corners of his lips, struggling to make a wonky line.

His small smile when a line turned out perfectly on his canvas made Juza's poor heart struggle to beat normally. Quickly, he would turn his head around to the window, looking at the blooming garden and counting back to ten, hoping that Banri didn't see how the tips of his ears flushed pink.

He started to feel lightheaded around Banri when they would meet up on the weekends, to play the newly released video game until sunrise, before curling into bed. His heart was racing whenever Banri would flash him one of his arrogant grins, dripping with self confidence. His gaze would linger on Banri's abs whenever he would shower in the morning when Juza slept over, turning back into the room with a mere towel, which was loosely hanging on his hips.

It started innocently, really, but Juza couldn't help but to feel his heart aching in pain whenever Banri decided to spend his friday nights with flings, one nightstands, or however Banri liked to call it. He couldn't help but to lay restless in his bed, eyes staring up to the ceiling, despite not seeing anything in the dark, while wondering which poor person Banri decided to bug.

Was it a girl, with black hair, which would end right above her hips? Would she be wearing red lipstick, only for it to smear off when their lips would crash? Would she be able to satisfy him? Or would he throw her out of his apartment, once they were done?

Was it a boy, wearing a thin shirt, which would be unbuttoned on the top, to show off his bare chest? Would Banri grop his muscles, shamelessly leaning towards his ear, to whisper something dirty against his skin, so that the boy would get goosebumps all over his body?

Would he be able to satisfy Banri? Or would he throw him out?

Juza felt empty inside, each friday night, wondering about with whom Banri would end up sharing a bed. It was unfair. Why couldn't it be him?

But Banri never shared kisses with someone he knew. Banri only slept with strangers, since there wouldn't be any feelings involved.

No strings attached, no feelings, seemed to be his motto throughout his life.

He never dared to lay fingers on someone who wasn't a stranger.

Until that night.

"Art boyyy!"

Suddenly Banri was up the stairs, despite struggling for minutes, waving to Juza to come up, while he was wearing his usual shit eating grin like a trade mark. Juza pretend that it didn't affect him. Like, at all.

"Hurry up! I ain't got all day!"

He didn't remember how their relationship went from strangers to friends.

And - fuck - Juza wouldn't admit that he was an actual goner for Banri.

Juza remembered that it was friday night. Usually, a night he would spent alone at home, while Banri would amuse himself with whoever- whatever- Juza didn't care. (He did.)

He was suprised, to say the very least, to see Banri's name pop up on the cracked display of his phone on that particular friday.

Did he pick up without even hesitating? Of course he did.

The next thing he knew is that Banri showed up with a bottle of cheap vodka in his hand in front of his house, dragging the syllables out more than he should have when he called out Juza's name to come out, but not quite slurring yet.

Something was wrong.

"Fuck you! You kept slipping the stairs down!"

"Fuck ya, art boy! I'm not gonna wait all day for ya!"

Something was utterly- no, terribly - wrong.

Banri's eyes were red rimmed. He kept taking a swig out of the bottle. He wasn't teasing Juza as much.

Juza took two stairs at the same time, rushing to go up since Banri kept complaining about how slow he was and how far behind he was.

"Let's go", Banri offered Juza the bottle of vodka after he had taken another sip out of it without even making a grimace, "drink up."

The bags under his eyes were almost black, as if he hadn't slept for a minimum of two days. His eyelids were half shut. He seemed to struggle to keep them open. It was probably due to the alcohol, since he had almost drunken half of the damn 0,7 liter bottle.

"What? Ya don't want to? More for me then", Banri raised his eyebrows at him, since Juza was hesitating. He was too busy arranging his thoughts to figure out what the fuck was wrong with Banri this night. He never behaved like this. He was already in train to press the opening of the bottle against his lips, to take another long swig out of it.

"Give me that. You had enough, already."

Right in time, Juza snatched the bottle out of his hands, before Banri could take another sip out of it. He led the bottle up to his lips, trying to swallow as much alcohol as he possibly could so that Banri wouldn't get a chance to drink more out of it.

That was a terrible idea.

"Fuck-", Juza shoves his hand in front of his mouth, refraining from puking as he kept coughing. He never had drunken a single drop of alcohol in his whole life, so he never expected it to burn so bad as the liquid traveled down his throat. The aftertaste was even worse than he had anticipated. It tasted like gasoline. Straight up cheap gasoline. How could Banri keep a straight face when downing this shit?

Banri laughed.

Fuck.

It wasn't the shit eating grin that built up on his lips. It wasn't a sloppy smirk, nor a cheeky one, arrogant grin or a teasing one. No, it was a genuine laugh that effortlessly left his plump, pink lips. It wasn't just a chuckle or a mocking laughter. It was a real and genuine laugh.

Juza couldn't help but to stare at him, seeing Banri with his eyes shut slightly and the faint blush on the cheeks from the alcohol as he laughs with his head thrown back. There was something so wrong with this particular situation. How could he look so endearing just by laughing?

Fuck, he's cute.

Juza should've known that he was a goner for Banri when he kept staring at him longingly as he laughed. There was a bubbling feeling in his chest, like his heart couldn't take the joyous sounds Banri made, like it would burst any second.

Fuck.

He held a hand in front of his face to cover half of it. Juza's could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks and tip of his ears. He hoped that it was too dark outside for Banri to see the deep flushed expression on his face. He knew he probably made the expression of a love sick fool, which is why he looked to the side, facing Banri away.

"What's up with that expression?", Banri teased as he turned his head to look Juza in the eyes, "'re face is all red, art boy."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Banri's face is directly shoved into his personal space, not giving Juza a chance to breath as his icy blue gaze was glued to Juza's face, studying the embarrassed expression he pulled, as if Banri wanted to push Juza's hand out of his face, so that he could directly stare at his flushed cheeks.

"I've never thought ya could make this face."

"What the fuck?"

Juza ducked his head, his hand was still miserably trying to cover up his deep flushed cheeks, even though Banri had already seen it. Bastard. Nothing escaped those droplet eyes.

"Ya embarrassed?"

"Shut up, it's because of the alcohol", Juza whined, knowing that Banri hit the nail right on its head.

"Is that so", Banri kept invading his personal space, glaring down at him, "then why are ya avoiding my eyes?"

He was such a shameless tease.

"Fuck off", he spluttered.

Brilliant, Juza. Fucking brilliant.

"Let's just go."

"Alright, art boy", he hums.

Juza didn't escape the teasing smirk that Banri was wearing on his face. He wanted to wipe it off.

***

Thirty minutes later Juza found himself drunk on an abandoned play ground.

His head kept spinning and spinning as if he had been continuously taken a ride on a roller coaster. It also felt very heavy, like his neck couldn't support his own head anymore.

Being drunk was weird.

Everything was blurry, fading or spinning. His head felt like a dead weight and the feeling in his fingers went numb. Standing was exhausting, sitting was exhausting, lying down was making him feel nauseous.

He said everything what came to his mind - no matter how embarrassing or cheesy his thoughts were - like the filter in his head didn't exist anymore.

Juza was reduced to a love sick puddle, melting against the bench he sat on as he gazed at Banri.

"Why are ya staring at me like that?"

"Was I?"

"Yes!"

"Oh. I was just wondering why we're at a play ground."

Banri's expression was unreadable as he pulled a straight face, looking at the play ground in front of him. His cheeks were also painted in a pinkish hue, but Juza was sure that the flush was caused by the alcohol he had drunken previously. Banri seemed to trace off into his mind. His eyes were fixed on some swings, but Juza could see that he was blankly staring at them. Something was bothering him, but he couldn't say what it was.

"I used to play around here with other kids. I don't know-", he sighs, "I just felt like visiting it. Back then things were so simple as a kid. I miss that."

"You're weird today", Juza confessed, his mouth already running before he could think about what he just said.

Banri raised one eyebrow at him,"and ya aren't?"

Of course he would directly change the subject. It seems that no matter how drunk Banri gets, he never shares his vulnerability with someone.

"'m not", Juza spluttered, his cheeks already heating up in embarrassment.

"Wanna play truth or dare", Banri offered, his head slightly tilted to Juza's side.

Juza can't help but to stare into his eyes. They seemed to draw them in - the droplet colored eyes- and before he could think about it, he agrees, "fine."

***

Their weird game of truth or dare between two people went into a very wrong direction.

Juza should've known better than to just say "fine" and accept the offer. He should've known that this game would turn into a disaster since they were drunk off of their asses. The 'challenge me and I'll do something dumb" kind of drunk, the 'I'll surpass your stupidity- easy' kind of drunk.

The level of drunkenness when your head keeps buzzing and spinning, when everything you think becomes a spoken truth, when a sudden leaning towards him leads to lingering touches.

Juza should've known better than that, and yet here he was, his body leaning against Banri as he felt the warmth radiating off from Banri's body.

It was dumb, silly and terrible even, and yet here they were: hands tangled together, bodies pressed against each other, eyes flicking down to gaze at a pink pair of kissable lips.

"'ve ya ever kissed someone?", Banri curiously asked, his gaze low on Juza's lips.

"..no", Juza almost whispers. Banri's blue staring made him nervous.

He should've known what that one curious asked question would lead to - well - things.

"Kiss me then", Banri teased, licking his lips as his hungry gaze remained glued to Juza's.

His brain short circuited.

Did he hear right? Was - Banri of all people - asking, no, offering to kiss him? On the lips? With maybe tongue?

Banri's fingers reached for Juza's cheek, his thumbs softly caressing his skin. Juza leaned into the touch, melting into his hands, faintly breathing out as if that was all Juza needed to live: Banri's soft hands against his hot skin.

"Kiss me", Banri repeatedly breathed those words against Juza's lips.

"Fuck", Juza whispered, angling his head and closing the distance between them.

The first time Juza kissed Banri, his stomach flips and his poor heart flutters.

He felt like all he needed were those plump pair of kissable lips. They were softer than anticipated. They felt like heaven against Juza's lips - and god - Juza could get drunk off of those lips.

He just wanted time to stop, so that he could endlessly feel those beautiful lips pressed against his, as a tongue hungrily sneaks into his mouth, as teeth graze against his lips and neck and skin and-

Before Juza knew it, he found himself in Banri's bed in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh this story is slowly coming alive  
> I'm excited to write the other chapters!
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then? Banri squashes Juza's heart in his bare hand, pressing and squeezing it until it stops beating.
> 
> It hurts then.
> 
> And it hurts more even now.
> 
> "Why are you here?"

Settsu Banri used to have dark blonde hair. It would fall right under his ears , not quite ending above it but also not really reaching under his chin. His hair looked soft and healthy, of course it did, because he took a lot of care of it. His eyelashes were thick and long. They grew so perfectly that it seemed like he was wearing eyeliner, decently accentuating his eyes. His eyebrows were a bit darker than his hair and thin but arched at the end. The shadow of his nose bridge fell perfectly under it, as if he had been painted by the gods. Perfectly blessed with beautiful features one could only dream of. His irises were dark blue, drawing people in due to the effect of the color. The deep blue was calming to look at, reminding Juza of the droplets which once crashed against the window during art class. His chin was pointy, making his face shape look like a 'v'. It perfectly matched his face, pointing and rounding it up very well. Some said that his face looked like it was cut out of a vogue magazine, as if he resembled the models who were dying to be in that magazine. Juza didn't think that he looked like a generic model out of a magazine. Banri's looks weren't something people could manipulate. They couldn't portrait his real self by working with photo shop, smoothing out lines and wrinkles or making his face look slimmer or his eyes brighter. That wouldn't be him. Juza thought that Banri looked like his face was hanged in an art museum, right above all the geniuses' works, above all the best and best art pieces. Because only then and only there- only an artist - could portrait his true, raw self by looking, observing, studying and finally painting him. That's what Banri was to Juza. A gods portrait hanged on a golden wall.

"Why are you here?", Juza asks, being torn about turning around to look at him or standing stupidly there, staring like an idiot at a simple glass filled with purple colored water.

"No greetings? Rude", Banri responds and despite Juza standing with his back to him, he knew exactly what kind of an expression he makes. Wearing that shit eating grin, like a trade mark or trophy, as if he didn't just barge into his studio, even though he hadn't contacted him in years. He simply acts like he is catching up with an old, good friend, as if everything is alright between them. Juza clenches his jaw.

"Why are you here?", he repeats with a more stern tone, almost gritting those words through his teeth.

Banri has no right calling him rude, out of all people, he was the one abandoning Juza.

"That's supposed to be me?", Juza knows that he is raising one eyebrow, maybe nudging his chin to the unfinished portrait, probably still smirking.

Asshole. He knows the answer to the question.

"Why the fuck-", Juza turns around and stares and - oh - how he stares at Banri, "are you here..", he manages to whisper, although his mind is already trailing off at the sight of Banri.

Juza is mad that his heart still skips a beat when he turns to look at Banri. His heart shouldn't betray him like that. Not when Banri is acting like a total douche.

"Now ya looking at me."

His damn heart betrays him once more. Banri has no business talking to him in a soft tone. He doesn't- ugh - Juza is flushing.

He is quietly looking at Banri. Eyes flashing from one side to the other, up and down, left to right. Boring a hole into Banri, as if he tries to take a look into his soul. He is drinking him in, like it's the last thing he will do in his life.

"Doesn't look like me that much, does it?", Banri fills in the silence, ignoring that Juza is still quiet, staring at him in a paralyzed state.

A gods portrait hanged on a golden wall.

But what if 'god' isn't a good enough painter anymore? What if 'golden' seems to be less than his face is worth? Is there something above that all? Is there a name or a word for it?

Juza doesn't think it's possible to put into words how angelic Banri looks like. No word, no extravagant description would do him justice. Not like that. Juza hates it.

His hair is now ashblonde, not dark blonde,some strands look like pure gold when the light illuminates them. Pure gold, blinding Juza, strands falling from the head all the way down to his chest. His eyebrows are still a tad bit darker than his actual hair color, but they aren't that thin anymore. The shadow of his nose bridge still falls perfectly under his eyebrows. His eyelashes are black, long and thick, curling upwards. It still looks like he wears eyeliner.

His eyes are still dark blue. They still have the effect of drawing people in and calming them down, although there is not a single thing about Banri that could be described as 'calm' which is probably why mother nature gave him the illusion of being calm at least. Banri is the extreme opposite of calm.

Juza swallows.

"Kinda looks like college me though", Banri takes his chin between his fingers, looking at the portrait with a frown on his face as he studies it.

"Cut to the chase", Juza interrupts Banri's awful rant about his art works.

He hates how Banri talks about his portraits, like it's a piece of cake painting someone you haven't seen in years, nor have a picture of. As if Juza didn't devote his last years painting Banri, observing the paintings, analyzing the mistakes and painting it over and over again. Until his hands were shaking and trembling, until he lost the feeling in his fingertips, failing to actually grip a brush and steadily holding it. It was hard and it was difficult. Banri has no right telling him that the portraits don't resemble him that much anymore. How should've he known that Banri's looks changed, when he was the one cutting ties with him?

"I mean it kinda looks like me-"

"Why the fuck are you here?!", Juza shouts, clenching his hands into fists. He is refraining from stepping towards Banri, but god, he wants to shake him until he only sees stars, he wants to punch him, to scream-

Before Juza knows it, all the questions and fears and feelings of resentment and anger which Juza carefully has bottled up over the years, explode, expect there wasn't a warning, not a 'bam!' or 'boom!', it's Juza screaming, angrily punching the air.

"Are you here because of the dumb portraits which don't resemble you at all? You want me to stop? Would you've been here if it weren't for my oh so shitty paintings?"

Banri keeps quiet, watching Juza scream and shout. He's going off like a bomb while Banri watches him with a straight face. Juza can't tell what he's thinking behind that icy blue stare and it infuriates him even more that he's keeping quiet, not reacting in the slightest.

Why the hell is Banri so quiet? Usually he'd run his pretty mouth without blinking twice.

"Would you've been here if it weren't for the shitty, stupid, dumb fucking portraits?!", he really was refraining from shaking Banri into straight hell, but the unreadable face and no reactions are rubbing him the very wrong way. He wants Banri to react, to say something, shout and scream- god - anything! He is taking steps towards Banri, while he isn't budging one bit, not stepping back. Banri doesn't even flinch. He just blankly stares at Juza. He hates it, because he can't tell what Banri is thinking. Juza clenches his jaw, boring his hands into Banri's collar.

"Answer me!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!  
> I'm so sorry you had to wait so long for an update :( lately school has been kicking my ass, but I hope the length of this chapter makes up for it? I hope you like the chapter! :)

**»I want to kiss you when I'm not drunk. I want to kiss you every day not just fridays. I want to be able to touch you without waiting for a week. I want to be able to do all that, is that wrong?«**

* * *

_The door is closed and the light is dimmed down, while the moon shines oh so brightly illuminating the bedroom, while drunk fools tear each other's clothes off, mindlessly throwing them on the floor and littering it with shirts and pants or socks._

_But that doesn't matter. They can pick up the clothes later. That can wait._

_Hungry lips keep searching for another pair of pink plump lips, to finally crash them together, to savor the taste of blood, as teeth cling onto the bottom of a lip, as a tongue rushes to lick off of the blood pools, tasting like pure ecstasy._

_But why are the lips so hungry? Why do they keep looking out for the other's lips?_

_Why does it feel so good and right to finally sink in teeth into the fragile pair of lips?_

_Oh, that sound. As he keeps biting him down, the other moans loudly in arousal._

_He keeps drinking the sounds in, listening to them as if it was pure music to his ears._

_It's probably those sweet, loud sounds that keep his lips hungry and his tongue searching for more, as his teeth bore into the flesh and ears are waiting for that moans._

***

He woke up to a throbbing pain on the top of his head, like someone kept hammering on it without mercy. But he couldn't revel long into this miserable pain as his stomach churned and swooshed around- Juza felt nauseous and the next thing he knew was that he immediately ran to the bathroom, legs stumbling on the way as he trembling gripped the toilet seat, flushing all the toxins out of the body. His throat hurt as he kept throwing acidic bile up, miserably trying to breathe in between of vomiting and trying to hold the bile down. His body melted against the cold floor tiles and only know Juza registered how oddly cooling it hat felt to relax against the floor, until he realized that he didn't wear any clothes and made direct contact with the tiles.

"What the fuck", he cursed before once again having to lean down the toilet, so that he couldn't think about his naked body against the floor tiles anymore and just concentrated on breathing and not trying to die as the next nauseating wave hit him.

"Ya look terrible."

Juza tensed visibly more than before, holding onto the edge of the toilet seat until his knuckles turned white because focusing on the bile making it's way out of his system just seemed more pleasant than to face Banri in his current state, not to mention his nakedness.

"I'll get ya some medicine", was all Banri had said, ignoring Juza's bare body melting against the tiles while Juza could hear him shuffling around the bathroom to leave, feeling oddly relieved when he heard the footsteps becoming more distant.

"Fuck", he coughed, miserably choking on his bile as he pressed his whole naked body against the cold tiles, cooling his feverish body.

Juza closed his eyes and hoped- no, prayed- that this was all just a stupid dream and he would wake up feeling very relieved that his weird brain decided to conjure such a terrible nightmare.

Please just let it be a dream. A bad one. A nerve wrecking one. Make it be a dream which would leave one paralyzed when waking up, while the heart races and the skin shakes because of the fear that the very dream could become reality.

Make it a dream.

But- no, it wasn't a dream. Juza still remembered some blurry fragments of the night and if he carefully placed each piece to another, like a puzzle he would have to solve, Juza could make out the whole night they had spent together.

He remembered how they were tumbling into the bedroom, ripping clothes open as buttons fell from their shirts, only to carelessly litter the floor. Juza could still feel how Banri grabbed him aggressively by the collar, shoving him down onto Banri's bed and trapping him with his arms. The way Banri had hungrily kissed him, hands traveling from his stomach down to his thighs, as teeth bored into his lips, savoring every little blood pool-

"Here, take this."

Juza flinched when Banri interrupted his mental crisis, offering him an aspirin with a big glass of water. Reluctantly he took it, ripped the pill out of its package and swallowed it down, all while Banri was watching him, all while his brain was crashing down as if it was a laptop catching a virus.

"Thanks", he said, truly thankful that Banri was for once being nice instead of being the usual asshole. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to lock eyes with the droplet colored eyes, being too ashamed to meet his eyes as he would only be reminded of their stupid hook up and honestly, Juza wasn't sure if he could deal with this situation right now.

"Shower. Ya reek of alcohol, it's disgusting", Banri scrunched up his nose as if he didn't smell too, as if he wasn't looking like a fucking mess, just like Juza probably did. Considering that he had probably drunken quite more than Juza, it was a miracle that he could stand on both of his legs, despite looking like he had crawled out of the dark pits of hell.

"How are you not dying?", Juza wondered loudly, because it was truly a big miracle that Banri seemed to be such much better off than Juza, even though he had been completely wasted just a few hours ago.

"My body is used to this, unlike yours", he shrugged it off, as if it wasn't concerning enough that his wrecked liver somehow seemed to be fine. Juza wanted to laugh. There's no way that Banri wasn't freaking out right now, like it was normal to talk to your naked friend who was sitting on the bathroom floor he had just slept with mere hours ago, but before he could voice his thoughts, Banri silently took the glass out of his hands and told him to shower, while he would wait in the kitchen for him.

How is Banri not panicking right now? Is it just him? Is it normal to act like nothing had happened, ignoring the weird tension between them which lingered in the air, like gas trying to choke Juza?

His thoughts weren't shutting off, not even when the pleasant, warm spray of water crashed against his skin, not when he stepped out of the shower, squeaky clean, wiping the mirror with one hand as it steamed up due to the hot shower he had just taken.

No amount of water and soap could make Juza forget that just a few hours ago it had been pressed against Banri's body. He felt awful. Why had it felt so right that night and now, that the sun has risen, shining through the curtains, it felt so utterly and terribly wrong.

As if there had been a veil up during that night, which made them forget themselves, which made Juza forget that his racing heart wasn't an one way ticket to just give in and kiss Banri, and which made Banri forget that being upset wasn't an excuse to mindlessly fuck Juza.

And then when the morning came, that very veil which had come down during the night, suddenly lifted, ripping the excuses they've made for themselves apart, like a bandaid, tearing apart the fragile skin.

Except, Banri chose to ignore it, everything, really. He pretended that he hadn't dared Juza to kiss him, ignored that he had initiated more than just an innocent kiss, which, by all means, had been far from innocent to begin with. Banri chose to pretend that he hadn't stumbled with Juza into his bedroom, hungrily kissing him and trapping him in between his arms on his bed, while pressing another kiss on his lips.

So it seemed only Juza had been ripping the bandaid of excuses off, tearing and bruising his own fragile skin, while Banri reveled in a deep pit of excuses and a weird game of pretending nothing had happened, like he would win a dumb price if he kept up that facade.

Juza groaned, rubbing his temples as his head was still throbbing in pain and all his thinking and panicking didn't seem to make it better. But he desperately needed some answers to his questions, because he wasn't like Banri dancing around the actual problem instead of addressing it. He dreaded confronting Banri, because he just didn't know what good would come out of actual taking about this- whatever this even was. Probably nothing good would come out of this, but Juza just couldn't keep tapping around in the dark and argue that everything will turn out to be normal in a few days, because how will it turn normal again after literally crossing the damn line of a friendship?

He wrapped a towel around his hips, before he stepped out of the bathroom to pick up his clothes from the floor and dress himself- god - he didn't want Banri to see him like that again, bare naked and miserably throwing up.

"You can take a shower now, I'm done", Juza hesitatingly announced while he walked into the kitchen, seeing Banri serving two omelettes on plates, as he loudly placed them down on the table. Juza eyed the eggs- not because he didn't trust Banri, he's a good cook weirdly enough- but because he wasn't sure if he could stomach them, despite the tasty aroma filling the whole kitchen.

"Nah, gotta eat first. Priorities, right?", Banri sat down, manhandling his chopsticks in his hand.

"Right..", Juza mirrored his movements and took a seat. He was unsure where to look- anywhere really- just not at Banri. He didn't know what to say, except 'soo we slept together?' and he was definitely not going to approach the situation like that. Juza would rather die. Banri seemed to notice Juza desperately thinking on what to say, or what to do, or how to act as he placed down his chopsticks on the table and arched an eyebrow:"what?"

"Oh, uhm, well-", Juza sputtered, because of course he would. He wasn't prepared for this whole thing and Banri actually asking him to talk made it 100 percent more worse than it had already been. He didn't think Banri would make him talk.

"Eat your eggs, they're gonna get cold."

Oh, so Banri didn't make him talk. Was it just another game of his 'I'll pretend to actually confront this whole mess, but really, I won't"?

"Banri- wait, where's your mother? Isn't she normally here on saturday?"

"Don't worry, she isn't. Work and stuff, ya know how it is", Banri waved him off, like he hadn't just went off topic for a minute right there.

Except, Juza didn't know 'how it is' because Banri rarely talked about his parents to begin with. Juza had only seen his mother coming by on the weekends, because apparently she works long distance from here, so she tries to look after Banri on the weekend. But- ugh- Juza groaned loudly. This wasn't the point.

"So, uh, well- you know-", Juza vaguely gestured around with his hands, as if he was talking in a code Banri would understand so that he wouldn't have to actually voice the situation out.

"Ya trying to talk about the night?", he remained unbothered, shoveling down egg after egg.

"Yes", he deflated like a balloon, relieved that he hasn't to put this mess into words, because apparently Banri did understand the weird hand gestures Juza had conjured.

"Yeah, no, let's just forget it", his eyes were fixed on the eggs as he mindlessly dug the chopsticks in and out of them, playing with them as if he wanted to distract himself. His tone was still the 'I'm so unbothered, I couldn't careless" tone, but Juza could see that he held his chopsticks with more force now and his shoulders seemed oddly tense. So he wasn't the only one who felt uncomfortable, huh?

"We need to talk about it", Juza said, trying to approach the situation but also not directly addressing the elephant in the room. Banri looked up for a split second, as if he wanted to confirm that Juza was still there, until he quickly dropped the gaze. "No, we don't. Except ya want to do it again- then", he gestured for Juza to continue, "-by all means, elaborate."

"This isn't a joke."

"Oh, so ya want to do it again? What? Can't get enough of me? I'm sure that I'm very irresistible-"

"Banri", Juza cut him off. This was exactly why he had dreaded the talk it out with Banri. Someone who would rather joke and tease Juza, instead of letting the cat out of the bag. Although- Juza was sure- once the cat was out of the bag, you couldn't put it back in as it would screech and fight and bite, because which cat would voluntarily get back in the suffocating bag?

"Look-", Banri placed his chopsticks away, "-it happened. It was a mistake."

"A mistake?", Juza let out a huffed laugh, "this is more than just a mistake."

He wanted to snarl at Banri, because how was he still trying to tango around this? Were his feelings more important than actually trying to fix this- whatever this mess is?

Sadly, Banri just confirmed Juza's thoughts by shrugging his shoulders, like he could just shrug it off and ignore everything and anything, as if it didn't bother him one tiny bit.

"Probably, yeah. So, let's pretend this never happened."

***

»It was a mistake«

»It happened«

»Let's just pretend it never happened«

After Banri had said that, Juza just dropped the whole subject. He did- no- he needed to talk about this, because he really needed to know what that night had been about.

Had he just dared him to kiss him because he was drunk? Had he initiated more kisses because he was bored? Did he sleep with Juza because his flings hadn't been there? And why him in the first place? What happened to "no strings attached, no feelings"? Was he just using Juza, while Juza let him because if he can't have Banri as his, then he'd rather have him like this, once a week? But Banri hadn't let Juza talk about it. He kept interrupting him, teasing him or making jokes. He did everything to dance around the subject, as if he was indirectly telling Juza 'please just drop it. Please'.

Juza didn't give up, though.

He had tried to bring it up during school breaks, lunch time or cram school. Juza had tried to trap Banri into the toilet stall, because, yes, he was desperately looking for answers. Juza had shoved him against a wall after art class, each arm on each side next to Banri's head, who had glowered at him with an infuriating look Juza had never seen on his face. Like he was ready to kill him if he tried to bring it up one more time.

But Juza needed to know what this was all about, because each time he saw Banri his heart would suddenly sputter and his mind would go blank and all he could think about were that damned pink, plump kissable lips which had made Juza weak on that friday.

Was he the only one left with these damn thoughts? Thinking about that night? Thinking how Banri's lips had felt so godly against his, how well they fitted on his, like a lost piece of puzzle suddenly clicking?

Juza couldn't stop thinking about him. These damn thoughts kept creeping in when he needed to concentrate on school, on work, on grades. He needed closure. He needed to know what Banri thought, because his stupid face was so hard to read as he kept this big wall up between them.

Thus, he kept terrorizing Banri, invading his personal space and desperately trying to make Banri talk.

"Banri, please. I just need to know-"

"Stop. Let it go, art boy. Ya driving me up a wall, like, literally", Banri had hissed. His back was pressed against the cold school wall, probably old gums were plastered on it which made Juza's skin crawl at the mere image.

"Just drop it. Stop already", his voice had been stern and so serious it made Juza flinch. He hadn't seen Banri like this before, not even the infuriating look he had at thrown him had made him feel this awful, stupid and desperate. His hands slowly dropped down with a flopping sound and he could clearly hear Banri sigh out in relief. As if a sudden weight had been lifted off of his shoulders and it made them soften, after they had been tense for so long. There was a pang in his heart and Juza felt so utterly miserable, because he just wanted to know if Banri felt the same way but kept tip toeing around the subject, instead of talking it out. But it seems that thoughts about kissable lips and the touch of hot skin against bare skin and teeth boring into lips were just plaguing Juza, keeping him from concentrating, or working or quite frankly just existing.

"'m sorry. I just-sorry", he cracked, trying to ignore the way his heart kept throbbing against his chest, making it hard to hear anything at all.

He made Banri uncomfortable and here he was thinking, maybe there was a change he was also slowly falling or unable to concentrate on anything than the night or just-

Juza felt so utterly stupid.

***

After that, Juza had avoided Banri like the plague. Not only had he made a fool out of himself, but also learned that Banri was indeed just the 'fuckboy' or 'playboy' everyone has rumored him to be. Juza had never been someone who had listened to shallow gossip, because even if there was a drop of tiny truth in it, it simply would be dramatized and exaggerated for entertainment purposes. He never listened to rumors, they were stupid and dumb and most likely false. Except this time, it wasn't and now Juza didn't only feel naive and idiotic, but also miserable.

He didn't think Banri would be like this: an asshole who keeps flirting with anything which walks on two legs and once they accidentally fall for him- he drops them.

Juza didn't think Banri was such a person. And yet, here he was on a friday night, resting on his bed and trying to ignore how his heart ached for the stupid asshole, whose face looked like it had been ripped out of a perfect portrait. His heart was such a traitor.

He kept wallowing in self pity, because what was there left to do when you know that the person you accidentally fell in love with- a best friend- didn't care that Juza had been avoiding him for days and didn't check up if Juza was fine, which he wasn't, but whatever. What could he do, except to stare at his stupid wall, regretting that he had fallen for Banri, regretting that he had kissed him, regretting- well- everything that involved Banri. From meeting him to stumbling into the bed with him. He groaned- how did he end up in this state- while he switched the sides he had layed on when he suddenly saw his phone lightening up. Immediately he jumped on it, reaching for it and grabbing it before the light dies out, before the call ends, before he had a chance to pick up. He didn't have any friends, nor anyone who would call him at this late hour, except maybe his cousin or brother- but that was very unlikely to begin with. It would be Banri. Juza looked at the screen, stared at the name which popped up, then to the number and his thumb was right over the green button to pick up, to answer and yet he halted.

What the hell was he doing? Just a few seconds ago he had been hurting over Banri and cussed how utterly dumb he feltfor falling for an asshole, for someone who couldn't seem to care aboutfeelings. Someone who didn't seem affected at all that Juza had been avoiding him, he just let it happen.

And now? Look at him now. Juza almost laughed at the ridiculousness. First, he cried and now he's hopeful. Stupid. He's so fucking stupid and dumb and-

"Art boy?"

Juza didn't realize he had accidentally pressed on the green button during his crisis and now, all the air in his lungs was escaping, leaving his organs deflated as he heard Banri's voice for the first time in a while.


End file.
